“A sexually transmitted infection will never happen to me.”

I used to tell myself this—before I contracted the herpes virus. But first, let me start with a little story.

August 2000

His name was Derek*, and I knew him from work. He was 22 and I was 17. Tall and skinny, he wasn’t the cutest guy, but his character made him attractive. He was funny, very charismatic, and he treated me well. He made me feel like I was someone to be noticed. To guys at work, he would say, “Wow, boys, look at that girl. Isn’t she somethin’?” He gave me special attention to boost my self-esteem. He would say other things like, “You’re so beautiful.” Whenever other girls were around, he’d ignore them and only pay attention to me. Derek was my friend, and I trusted him.

About a month after we started hanging out, we had sex for the first time. I asked him that question: “Have you been tested?” He swore to me that he had. “I’m clean,” he said. He didn’t get specific about when he was last tested. I still asked him to wear a condom.

A little while into the sex, I could tell he hadn’t put on a condom. I knew then that I’d made a mistake, but I didn’t stop him. I was embarrassed and afraid of being rejected. I thought about treatable infections, like chlamydia, and figured that if Derek had anything, then I’d already gotten it and the damage was done.

September 2000

I started noticing some differences with my body—pains and smells that hadn’t been there before. Derek and I still slept together without a condom. I kept thinking that the damage was already done. And I wasn’t serious with him; we were very casual. So I didn’t say anything. I figured there was no way I could get anything serious, like herpes, HIV, or syphilis. I was also nervous. I’d never been to a gynecologist, just to my doctor for checkups, and I was too afraid to tell my mother what I was doing.

November 2000

The symptoms were unbearable and the pain got worse. I couldn’t urinate without screaming out loud. My abdominal pain brought tears to my eyes. While working alone one day, I got very sick. I called my mother and asked her to come get me. I finally told her about my symptoms. We went to a gynecologist first thing the next morning.

Thank God for my supportive mother. She held my hand while I screamed in pain as the doctor took a Pap smear and culture. It felt like torture. Imagine this: your entire insides are swollen and inflamed, and someone puts just a slight amount of pressure on that swelling and inflammation. It feels like someone just rammed a sword into you. I have never felt anything so horrible.

After seeing the open lesions that were down there, the doctor said that there was a good chance it was genital herpes. He was certain that I had a raging case of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID), which is sometimes caused by an STI.

“Genital herpes?” I thought. “He must be wrong; he’s just trying to scare me. Am I the type of girl who gets herpes? Who is?”

Herpes: Who Gets It and How

Herpes is a sexually transmitted infection that’s caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV). HSV-type 1, or oral herpes, normally causes fever blisters on the mouth or face. HSV-type 2, or genital herpes, usually affects the vagina, penis, and/or anus. Herpes viruses are usually “inactive” and cause no symptoms. But sometimes, the viruses cause “outbreaks” of fluid-filled blisters and lesions.

Once a person is infected with herpes, he or she has it for life.

Genital herpes is not uncommon. If you look at the percentage of adolescents and adults who have it, you might even consider it normal. Across the United States, 45 million sexually active people ages 12 and older—that’s one out of five of the total adolescent and adult population—are infected with HSV-2. And genital herpes is more common in sexually active females—approximately one out of four of us are infected with it.

But even though herpes is so widespread, the general feeling in society is that there’s something really wrong with you if you become infected. Like you had to sleep with at least five people, instead of just the one person who gave it to you. The common perception is that you’re obviously a “slut” if you get genital herpes. But I slept with one person and I got it.

Most people don’t know that you can live with and manage herpes. Every once in a while, especially when you’re stressed, you’ll get outbreaks of tiny lesions or blisters on your genitals. If you have sex during this time, you’re likely to transmit the virus to your partner. You can also transmit herpes to a sexual partner before and after you break out in sores, until the sores have healed. But you can’t get herpes from a toilet seat, a towel, or clothing. These are myths.

If you’re going to have oral sex or intercourse, always use a latex condom or dental dam the correct way. But remember, condoms don’t completely protect you from herpes. If a guy has genital herpes, for instance, the condom won’t cover lesions that appear on his scrotum or testicles. So abstaining from sex is sometimes the best thing to do.

Live and Learn

I ended up confronting Derek. I felt he needed to know what he had done, so he would use a condom from then on. We dated for a little while longer. Then he decided to go back to his ex-girlfriend. We’re no longer friends.

Each day, I try to deal with the fact that I have herpes. And when people put me down or treat me like I’m different, it makes coping with it even harder. Herpes has especially changed my life when it comes to relationships. You never know when you’re supposed to tell someone and if they will freak out.

After I was diagnosed, I started dating an old boyfriend again. When I told him about it, he acted like he was fine with it. But the next day, he started being really distant. Then I found out he told a lot of people, which really hurt. Whenever someone acted weird toward me, I wondered if it was because they knew.

One time, my old boyfriend’s friend was in class with me and started talking really loudly about me to another person in the room. “Yeah, she’s a whore and has herpes from some guy she knew for like an hour,” he said. “Guess that taught her to keep her legs shut.” I had to leave the room I was crying so hard.

When I first got the virus, I thought, “Who would want to ever marry a girl with herpes?”

But the more I am open with people about it, the more I learn that it’s OK. I know that someone will love me for me and not care that I have herpes, because the virus doesn’t make me who I am. Still, sometimes I avoid relationships altogether, for fear of rejection. And that makes me lonely.

So, think about my story when you’re having sex. Ask your future partners the hard questions, too. Ask them about their sexual past, when they were tested, for what, and, since then, what they’ve done to protect themselves. 

And think about my story when you hear that someone has an STI. Most likely, if they have one, they are scared and lonely, and could use a friend.

*Name has been changed

Holly Becker, 18, is a SEX, ETC. national correspondent who lives in Carrollton, Texas.

Editors' Note: It's important for teenagers who are having sex or considering having sex to visit a doctor or clinic that screens for and treats sexually transmitted infections and provides birth control, says Dr. Barbara Snyder, chief of Adolescent Medicine at the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey.

Young women should go at least once a year when they reach 18 or become sexually active. You should go more often if you have health problems or if you have several sexual partners. Some doctors require females to have a pelvic exam to get birth control pills and other types of contraception, but others don't. Either way, all doctors agree it's important for females to have regular pelvic exams. 

For guys, the routine is a little different—but no less important. Unfortunately, most guys don't go to the doctor unless they're having problems, Dr. Snyder says. But guys should get screened routinely if they're having sex.

We know many teens are a little queasy about doing this—and that's totally normal. So, to make it easier, SEX, ETC. asked two teens to tell about their trips to the clinic. Here are their stories.