“You’re grounded!”

“Why?!”

There is a short pause, and then comes the infamous, “Because I said so!”

It seems to me just about every teenager fights with his or her parents (caregivers) at some point. Janelle Burns, 18, of Phoenix, AZ, for instance, has been fighting with her parents since she was about eight. Most of the arguments she has with her parents are about simple things, such as forgetting to take out the garbage and leaving a cup in the computer room.

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Teenagers have conflicts with their parents, but that doesn’t mean that the relationship between a teen and his or her parents cannot be improved. Plus, fighting gets in the way of you having open and honest communication with them, which means you may have difficulty talking to your parents about important topics, like sex.

The Causes

According to Dr. Eliot Garson, a therapist who works with teens in New Jersey, parents don’t always recognize and accept the maturity and independence of their teenage children or allow them enough opportunities to make their own personal decisions.

Like many people, I see teens fighting with their parents as a type of rebellion that most teenagers go through. I’ve noticed that most young children get along with their parents, but when the children become teens, they begin to challenge their parents’ authority.

The teens have the I-want-what-I-want attitude, making them fight for adult privileges, like going out with their friends and staying up late. Now, I’m not condoning disobeying your parents. I’m just saying that it’s pretty normal for young adults to challenge their folks during their teenage years.

Dr. Garson agrees. He says that smaller children can’t really stand up to their parents because they’re too young and will be overpowered. Teens, though, may see their parents as irrational and “feel they have the power to rebel” because they’re older, bigger, feel more mature and want to make decisions for themselves.

Think about it. When you’re young, and your mom says, “Eat your peas,” you don’t want to, but there’s really nothing that you can do about it. When you’re 16 and twice the size, you might say, “Why do I have to eat my peas?” and then not eat them.

Chanise Cruz, 17, of New Jersey, has been what her parents might call rebellious. She and her parents have been fighting on a consistent basis for two to three years about her social life and things like curfews, going to parties and seeing her boyfriend. The arguments between her and her parents are brief disputes—usually five to 20 minutes—that don’t resolve much.

Tips on How to Make It Better

It’s important not to bring up hot-topic issues—ones that lead to arguments—because it may just cause more fighting. In other words, communication can only be improved if you and your parents can be around one another without killing each other. Even though many people react to a fight by wanting to separate themselves from the other party, don’t isolate yourself from your parents longer than is necessary to cool off; communicating will lower the tension levels and help create a more positive relationship.

If you need more help with coping, Dr. Garson recommends that you seek “additional guidance and support, perhaps from guidance counselors, teachers, friends’ parents, other relatives, your own siblings, close friends or religious leaders.”

Some other tips are show mutual respect, have healthy interactions regularly (without talking about tense topics) and go to therapy if necessary.

Chanise recommends that you “try and build trust [with your parents] by being open and sharing different things with them [about your life].” This automatically instills a sense of trust and respect and will help repair a strained relationship with your parents.

Does It Ever Get Better?

Except in families where the amount of fighting and dislike for one another is severe, parent-child relationships often improve. Dr. Garson says, “Oftentimes as youth grow up, the differences with parents are worked through well enough so that by the late teens, early 20’s, a better relationship of mutual respect and support develops.”

So hang in there, try to build a healthy relationship, and let time do its job. Remember, they are our parents after all, and whether we realize it or not, they love us and have our best interests at heart.