Chris was a high-school senior in Connecticut working in a coffee shop that was a popular hangout for both college and high-school students. Jeanette was a local college student who would come in every day during his shift to say “hi.” 

Photo by Emma Lincoln Pattee

Chris suspected that Jeanette liked him. But why would a college student want to date a guy in high school? Maybe, Chris thought, she was just a caffeine addict. But then one day, it became clear that Jeanette was interested in more than latte. When a friend of Chris’ from high school started flirting with him, Jeanette stepped up to the plate.

“Jeanette came over, and yanked me outside in the snow, and kissed me. I kissed her back,’’ he remembers. “Dating was going to be hard, but we decided to give it a try anyway.”

Teri Tomatich, a sexuality educator in Atlanta, GA, says relationships between people of different ages and stages of education are pretty common. Often, two high school students in different grades start dating, one graduates first, leaving the other behind. Other times, it’s like Chris’s situation—a high-school student meets a college student at work or at a party.

These relationships can be great, exposing people to a whole new group of friends and experiences they might not have had.

“Not spending as much time with a partner allows extra time to spend with friends and family or pursue new interests or enjoy old hobbies,” says Tomatich.  “A high-school student can get a sneak preview at what college may be like by having a partner go first into that experience. A person away at school with new experience can appreciate the familiarity and comfort of a boyfriend or girlfriend back home.”

Seventeen-year-old Jessie, of New Jersey, is dating a 19-year-old guy in college. She says she feels no pressure (sexual or otherwise) to live up to any “college” standards. He is “not an authoritative figure I have to listen to,” Jessica adds. Her boyfriend is also “more responsible and mature,” and Jessica likes that, she says.

But it’s not that way for everyone. Distance can be a hurdle for some couples, who find themselves alone and looking for others to date. The high-school student might also feel like he or she doesn’t measure up.

“I have to admit, even though I’m a guy I feel the pressure—and it’s not simply about sex,” Chris says. “It’s being around her in general. She’s always around intelligent, handsome guys every day, and every day she could be experiencing something that’s totally foreign to me. I’m not going through what she is, and that scares me. Any day she can say, ’What the heck am I doing with this chump?’ and dump me.”

One partner can sometimes feel pressured into doing things they don’t really want to do. And that’s bad, in any type of relationship.

Katherine, a 17-year-old high-school senior in Texas, is dating a college sophomore. Her boyfriend makes her go to parties, even though she was shocked and uncomfortable with what went on at them.

“People were drinking and having sex in front of everyone,” she says.

Yet she still continued to go, afraid her boyfriend would break up with her if she didn’t. At one party, the two got drunk and had unprotected sex in a friend’s bedroom. Katherine regrets it.

“He told me he would break up with me it I didn’t give it to him right then,” she says.

That kind of pressure is unhealthy in any relationship. Both people should feel they have the right to say “no.”

“It comes down to being who you are and not what you think other people want you to be,” says Tomatich. “If you don’t want to have sex with your partner, simply tell your partner. Communication is key. Couples need to sit down and honestly talk about their wants and needs in the relationship.

“Each person should ask themselves what they want to get out of their life at this time,” she adds. “The more each person can feel good about themselves and their place in their life, the more satisfied they will feel in their relationship.”

Additional reporting by national correspondents Erika Vela, 18, of Newark, NJ; Vincent Lu, 17, of Chula Vista, CA; and Shelby Knox, 18, of Lubbock, TX

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