If you looked up the word “virginity” in the Webster’s New World Dictionary, you’d find this definition: “the quality or state of being virgin.” For the definition of “virgin,” you’d find “a person who has never had sexual intercourse.”

Seems simple, right? But even though these are the standard dictionary definitions, they’re not the only ones teens follow. In fact, according to many teens, there is no simple definition of virginity—and coming up with a set definition can be a challenge.

“Virginity is not having sex—sex being the insertion of a penis into a vagina. Oral sex is not sex. Fingering is not sex. Only the penis in the vagina is sex,” says George Rose, 16, of Ewing, NJ.

“You lose your virginity when you have sex in the vagina, and cum inside the girl,” adds Nick Gold*, 15, of Louisville, CO.

Mina Markham, 17, of Wichita, KS, has a different definition.

“Virginity means a person hasn’t had any form of sexual interaction with another person, including oral sex.”

Chris Leskowski, 16, of San Francisco, agrees.

“Virginity is when a person doesn’t have any type of intercourse,” says Leskowski, who likes this simple, cut-and-dried definition because “it doesn’t make it difficult to understand.”

Why do teens have different definitions to describe a simple word, and what makes this word so complex?

Virginity is complex because it’s such a hotly contested issue in our society, according to Peter S. Bearman, Ph.D., chair of the department of sociology at Columbia University, in New York City.

Bearman says that teens’ struggles with defining virginity “stem from recognizing that there are lots of ways to express intimacy.”

Teens like Crystal Bialota, 16, of Ewing, NJ, agree.

“Virginity has many definitions, because if you’re a heterosexual, it could mean you’ve never had vaginal sex. For gays, it could mean not having anal sex, and for lesbians, it could mean not having oral sex,” she says.

Having one set definition is not of key importance, according to Bearman. Teens need to just find a definition for virginity that feels comfortable for them—and not be dependent on what others think.

“What’s important is to be comfortable with sexuality. Sexual expression is an important component of human life. So, rather than worrying about terms and whether one fits into a specific box, the main issue for teenagers (and adults, too) is to develop healthy relationships with others—sexual and not,” he says.

A healthy relationship is one where you and your partner are able to communicate with one another openly about issues like virginity, and responsible enough to protect yourself from unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, if you choose to have oral, vaginal, or anal sex.

After all, when you establish a healthy relationship—and become confident in your beliefs, morals, or values about sex—you’ll become more comfortable with defining virginity for yourself.

Anna Stange, 16, of Ewing, NJ, and other teens agree.

“Just like in any other aspect of sexual relations, it’s important how the individual feels about it,” says Stange.

And 18-year-old Joshua Silverstein, of St. Anthony, ID, thinks that any “thoughtful conversation” about virginity and sex is good. He adds that since it’s “difficult to come up with a universal definition, it has to be more of a personal one.”

So, even though there are such different definitions of virginity, it’s important for teens to communicate with sexual partners and others about it—and find a definition that works for them.

National correspondent Aaron Bornstein, 15, of Superior, CO, contributed to this story. *Name changed to protect anonymity.