Did you ever sneak out of your house late at night to see your boyfriend or girlfriend?  Well, I did one night last summer, to hang out with my girlfriend at the time, and didn’t get home until 3:30 in the morning. When I got home, I was busted. Not by my parents, though, because I don’t live with them. My grandmother busted me.

Does it sound strange that I only live with my grandparents? Actually, it’s quite normal. In the United States, four million children are growing up in grandparent-headed households, according to the American Association of Retired People (AARP), in Washington, D.C. The number of grandparent-headed households has increased 19 percent since 1990.

Why are more and more grandparents raising their grandchildren? According to research by the AARP, grandparents are able to step in when the “middle (parent) generation” has problems. These problems include illness, divorce, immaturity, incarceration, drug and/or alcohol abuse, child abuse, or neglect. Sometimes, grandparents step in when the parents have died. In most cases, grandparents are motivated by love to take over the role of parenting.

In my case, I moved in with my grandparents because my parents couldn’t control their alcohol problems. It was a difficult situation for both my parents and me, but my grandparents helped me through it.

Being raised by an older person has its ups and downs. The age gap is much wider, and it's a lot harder asking an older person about relationships and sex than a younger person. (My grandmother is 60 years old.) Of course, my grandmother always gave her opinion about my dates, and whether she approved or not, but I always felt strange asking questions about sex, drugs, and relationships. Normally, you don’t talk to your grandmother about that.   

Having questions unanswered, I'd usually ask one of my many aunts or cousins that are much younger than Grandma. They had no problem talking to me about these issues.  In fact, most of the time, I didn’t even have to ask. They always gave me talks and guided me in the right direction. Friends were always there to help, too.  

But I was afraid I was missing out on certain information because I hadn’t talked with my grandma. She never told me anything about her experiences growing up, and I was always curious. I also wanted to know why she never talked with me about sex. So, recently, I sat down with Grandma and asked her some questions. 

Back in the Day

The first thing I learned was that my grandmother also snuck out of the house when she was a teenager. It was the mid-1950s. She went to see a movie on 42^nd Street in New York City.

“It was about how a baby was born,” she remembered. “It showed you the actual birth. After seeing it, I was so shocked because I learned about the physical experience of having babies. I thought that if a movie was showing something that sensitive, it was time to start talking about it.”

“Were you upset that your parents didn’t talk to you about sex?” I asked.

“No one talked about it,” said Grandma. “We grew up ignorant and it was OK. We didn’t know any better. We grew up very slowly and peacefully. Nothing like it is today. Today is madness!”

I wanted to know more about teenagers in Grandma’s time as compared to now. So I asked her about major dating differences.

“Back then, there was extreme jealousy,” she explained. “When a girl had a boyfriend, she could never have any other guy friends. When a boy had a girlfriend, he could never have any other girl friends.”

“How were girls expected to behave?” I asked.

“You were very modestly dressed, and you never called a guy,” she said. “The male figure was the ’mover.’ He called you and he would be the one to ask you out.”

Today, it could go either way. I know many guys and girls who play the "mover" role. Most of the time, I’m shy when it comes to relationships, so the girl is the “mover.”   

One of the biggest differences now, Grandma said, is that birth control is more easily available to teens. 

“When I was growing up, I think you had to be 18 or 21 to buy a condom,” she said. “You could only buy them from the drug store, and usually the local druggist knew you and your family, so you’d be scared your parents would find out.”

Today, it’s easy for guys and girls to get contraception without parental permission. I can buy condoms at any convenience store.  Sometimes they’re behind the counter, but I don’t feel weird asking for them. I don’t know the employee selling them, and I’ll probably never see him or her again.

Sex Ed

“Did your schools teach you anything about sex?” I asked.

“There was no mention of sex in the classroom,” remembered Grandma. “Mainly hygiene was taught. And neither my mother nor my father talked to me about sex. The only mention of it was by our housekeeper, who explained what a period was and told me that I would be getting it soon.”

“Fifty years ago,” she continued, “’sex’ was an unspoken word. Sex was secretive. You wouldn’t even tell your best friend if you were having sex. And if you talked about it, you’d be considered a ’slut.’ Now, it’s wide open. No one is ashamed to talk about it. The only bad thing is that no one talks about sex in a healthy way.”

I agree with my grandma on this. Sex is “wide open” now, and more people talk about it. A lot of that is because of the media. But the media also portrays sex in a negative, unhealthy way. Shows rarely depict safer sex or the consequences of unsafe sex (like sexually transmitted diseases). 

Our History

Finally, I asked Grandma why she never talked to me about sex. 

“When you were 13,” she explained, “I asked your uncle what to do, and he said he would take care of it because guys usually talk to guys and girls talk to girls.”

My uncle never talked to me, but that’s OK. I was still able to make good choices about sex. But when I raise kids, I know that frequent “sex talks” are healthy, normal things to do. It will be one of my priorities as a parent!

Thinking back on my childhood, I’m very happy with the way things turned out. I realize that I would be a totally different person if my parents raised me.  My grandparents have given me so much trust that I’ve become almost 100 percent independent. They are very supportive of my choices. I realize that I can’t count on my parents, but I can always count on my grandparents, which is a nice feeling to have.

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