Many so-called straight girls in my high school have experimented sexually with other girls. Many tell me about it, because they say I’m open-minded. Some are coming out as lesbian or bisexual, at least at school. But some are not coming out and do not want to label themselves.

This led me to wonder, how does sexual experimentation influence our identity as straight, lesbian, or bisexual?

Breaking It Down

First off, girls and guys need to understand that you “discover” your feelings of sexual attraction, not just “decide” who you are attracted to, according to Elizabeth Schroeder, MSW, who is a human sexuality professor at Montclair State University, in NJ.

“The only way a person will know whether what she is doing is experimentation or part of realizing she is lesbian or bisexual is to experience it and reflect carefully on the feelings that come up as a result of the experience,” says Schroeder.

Natasha’s Story

Seventeen-year-old Natasha Gutierrez, of New York City, reflected on her sexual identity after experimenting with both guys and girls. She first realized she was a lesbian in eighth grade.

“I liked my best friend, but I thought it was a crush, and then I started fantasizing that I kissed her. I denied it for over a month and then when I realized I was gay, I panicked. The process was hard, but I met my first girlfriend and she helped me” says Gutierrez.

But even though Gutierrez realized she was gay, she tried dating guys. The experience only confirmed her sexual identity.

“When I started dating guys again, I felt out of place...I didn’t feel like it was right. Every time I kissed a guy on the lips, it was like I was playing spin the bottle and was forced to kiss him. This experience was good, because it proved that I was different. It confirmed that I was a lesbian.”

Sofia, Juliet & Dana

Schroeder says that our sexual behaviors can help clarify things. But they are not what determine our sexual identity. Just consider the experiences of Sofia, Juliet, and Dana.

Seventeen-year-old Sofia, of Washington, D.C., describes herself as a “straight girl who has experimented.” She says that girls who experiment are “curious, but not sure yet what they like and don’t like.”

She adds that bisexual or lesbian girls “feel more of an emotional attachment for other girls. The closest thing I’d be is ‘bi-curious.’ I wouldn’t call myself lesbian or bi until I was sure, and I’m not sure yet.”

Juliet, 15, of South Plainfield, NJ, is also still exploring her sexual identity. She is currently experimenting with another girl.

“We’ve always been pretty close, and we always used to kiss on the cheek. One day we missed, and it’s been kisses on the lips [ever since]. One day we decided to take it a step further. We just felt comfortable around each other. It kind of comes naturally.”

Dana, 18, of Montclair, NJ, does not consider herself lesbian or bisexual, even though she has had a girlfriend for two years.

“I don’t like labels. I have never felt this way about any other girl, and I don’t really plan on it in the future. I just see my girlfriend and me being together happily, without the restrictions of stereotypes or labels,” says Dana.

A Sexual Checklist?

As these girls show, there isn’t one set formula for sexual identity.

“One same-gender experience does not necessarily make you a lesbian or bisexual,” says Schroeder. “At the same time, that one kiss can confirm feelings a girl has had for a while and may not have been aware of or accepted yet.”

Schroeder says that “teens would love it if there was a checklist they could go down, mark answers to, and then score to see whether they are heterosexual, lesbian, or bisexual. But it’s never that easy. Feelings of attraction are discovered, not decided upon.”

She adds that many girls know what their sexual orientation is without being sexual with someone.

So, girls who wonder whether or not their actions make them lesbian or bisexual can remember that everyone is different—and it’s normal to be different. Focus more on how you feel about your sexual behaviors, and less about what these behaviors do or don’t “make” you.

“Be who you are and feel what you feel,” adds Schroeder. “When it becomes important to attach a label to those feelings, you’ll know when the time is right.”

Additional reporting by national correspondent Alexis Henry, 17, of New York City.