You're sitting in health class, listening to your teacher give some boring speech about drugs when she says, "If you're ever in a situation where you feel uncomfortable, talk to a trusted adult." 

You start thinking: Why do I need a trusted adult? What's wrong with getting advice from my friends?

Many teenagers say it's easier to talk about sensitive subjects, like sex, drinking, drugs and dating, with friends, rather than adults. And who would blame them? 

"With most of my problems, I feel much more comfortable talking with my friends because they've probably experienced or are experiencing the same problems," says Nicole Conjares, 15, of New Jersey. "Even though my parents tell me I can talk to them about anything, there are some things I just don't think they would understand.

"Like, if I was invited to a party where there would be drugs or drinking, I might be wondering if I could handle it myself and not give in to peer pressure," Nicole adds. "If I asked my parents, they might just say I shouldn't go because they wouldn't want me in an environment like that. But friends may have had a similar experience and give me an answer based on what they went through."

"I think parents are so out of touch with a contemporary teenager's life,'' adds Seth Marcusa, 15, of New Jersey. "According to my mom, my high school life is a mixture of her high school and the movie Grease." 

We all feel this way at some point in our lives. It's human instinct, especially a teenager's instinct, to go straight to friends when you need advice.  But we might be missing out on some important info -- not to mention guidance and support -- when we overlook our parents.

Making The Connection

Bob Selverstone, a health educator in Connecticut, says teens who are tapped into  
their parents feel better about themselves.

"When kids are close to their parents, they feel cared for,'' Selverstone says. "And when kids see they have someone to care for them, they take care of themselves, have higher self-esteem, and care about other people."

That's probably true. Still, many of us feel OK talking to our parents about safe subjects, like school. But when it comes to sensitive stuff, like sex and drugs, we might as well be speaking different languages.

So, how can we bridge the generation gap? Selverstone offers a few suggestions.

First, be patient with your parents. They're just as scared as you are to talk about sensitive subjects, especially sex.

"Because most parents had lousy sex education when they were young, they feel inadequate and uncomfortable talking to their kids. Parents think that if they talk to their kids about sex, kids are more likely to have sex," explains Selverstone.

We know that's not true. But it is one of your parents' fears. So be aware of it.

Parents are also often afraid you're going to ask them about their own experience with sex and drugs -- questions they might not want to answer. So it might help to promise to stay away from really personal questions about their past. If they offer, great. Or, you can ask something like, "Did you deal with this kinda stuff when you were my age?" A more general question lets them decide how personal they want to get.

That rule also works pretty well in reverse. Instead of starting with your own problem, talk about teens in general. You know, tell them what's going on out there and in a roundabout way you can get to your own problems. Or use an article, maybe even one from this Web site, to start talking to your parents about sex. You can show them a story and ask them what they think about it.

And here's one of the most important points. If you're going to talk to your parents, you need to really consider their advice. If they see you're listening to them, there's a much better chance they'll be open with you in the future.

If you succeed in making the communication connection with your parents, the payoffs can be huge. 

"I go to my mom for advice whenever I need it because I have confidence in my mom and I trust her. She wouldn't laugh or tell anyone else. I can talk to my parents about any problem that I have," says Anne Blair, 15, of New Jersey. 

"For advice, I usually go to my parents, teachers, and friends,'' adds Blair Silver, 18, of Pennsylvania. "I'm comfortable talking to my parents. We have open communication. Some of my teachers give me an unbiased perspective and I've grown to trust some of them."

If you still think you could never talk to your parents about sensitive stuff, don't worry! Adults are everywhere, and many are willing to help. Try talking to relatives (aunts, uncles, older cousins), a friend's parent, teachers, a school counselor, a clergy member, or a doctor. 

Like it or not, the adults in our lives have way more experience. Just seems smart that we should try to tap into it.

National correspondent Cat Opderbeck, of Gladwyne, PA, contributed to this article.

Tips for Talking to Your Parents

• Approach your parents at a good time. If they're not in a particularly good mood or are real busy, find a better time. You might even want to set up an "appointment." 
               
• Start with more general subjects. Instead of, "I'm thinking about having sex with Jenny," you might say something like, "Do you think teenagers should wait until they're married to have sex?"
               
• Use a TV show, a book, or an article as a starting point. You can even print a story from this Web site and show it to your parents. Say something like, "I ran across this story and was wondering what you think about it."
               
• Listen. Your parents are more likely to help you if you listen to what they have to say.
               
• Do not yell or argue. You might disagree with them, but you should respect them. 
               
• If they start lecturing, remind them that you're just asking questions. You want to be informed and you figure they're the best source of solid info. Hopefully, that'll do the trick.
   
  Good luck!

November 2000