In September 2002, the beginning of my senior year of high school, I was feeling overwhelmed with college applications, schoolwork, and extracurricular activities, like theater.

I would come home from school around 3:30 p.m., completely exhausted from my day, and immediately start doing homework. Around 7, I would go to play rehearsal, and I wouldn�t get home until 11, just in time for bed. I never relaxed, and I never took breaks.

After weeks of feeling so overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and stressed, I felt like I was losing control of everything. I felt like I would never be able to finish everything I needed to finish and had no control over my life.

But instead of being stressed about school, I started transferring that stress to my body. My usual concerns about weight became more intense. Every time I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw. Everything about my body repulsed me. The strange thing was that I was not overweight; in fact, I was�and am�underweight. I am 5'5" and weigh about 106 lbs. But I began to think about controlling my weight in some way.

A New Sickness

One day I came home from school, after eating a little more than I normally eat. I felt so disgusting and out of control that I went into the bathroom and made myself throw up everything. Afterward, I felt better. I was able to focus on my schoolwork. I didn�t think about all the food I�d eaten, because I knew it was no longer in my body. I felt like I could control something in my life: my weight.

For as long as I can remember, I�ve had an obsession with my weight. I remember when I was about 12 or 13, I told my mother that I didn�t ever want to weigh more than 105 lbs. Even when friends and family told me that I was �too� skinny, I never listened. I always wanted to stay as skinny as possible, because that�s how I thought a girl should look.

I cannot remember a time when I�ve been content with my appearance. I always assumed that people would pay more attention to me if I was skinny. All the girls that I looked up to and actresses I admired were skinny.

After that first day, I continued to make myself throw up. I would do it every day at least once, sometimes twice. Although I knew somewhere inside that what I was doing to my body wasn't healthy, I continued to throw up because, in a way, I enjoyed torturing myself physically. I felt good about finding some way to physically deal with my emotions, and I thought it was better than feeling bad. I continued to throw up every day, on a fairly regular basis, but it wasn�t that noticeable because I only lost about two pounds.

Serious Hurt

According to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), bulimia nervosa is a serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by a secretive cycle of bingeing and purging. Bulimia nervosa affects one to three percent of middle- and high-school aged girls. 

I was reluctant to characterize myself as bulimic, because I did not engage in episodes of overeating. Instead I would eat very little and still feel the need to purge myself of anything I ate, because I hated the thought of having any food in my stomach. And although I may not fit the stereotypical definition of a bulimic, I was engaging in many behaviors that would be characterized as an eating disorder.

According to David B. Herzog, M.D., president and founder of the Harvard Eating Disorders Center, in Boston, �Bulimia and other eating disorders are associated with body dissatisfaction. Generally some sort of feeling state sets it off, whether it is being down or being angry.�

That is exactly what I was. I was sad and angry that I was spending so much of my time working and couldn�t find any time to relax or enjoy myself.

At this point I was still throwing up every day. Because eating disorders work like addictions, I was almost �addicted� to making myself throw up. 

No More Secrets

A few months ago, I told my friends about the throwing up. I didn�t like keeping everything a secret. I told my three closest friends, and they gave me an immeasurable amount of support. They told me that they would help me in any way that they could, which reassured me. They also made me realize that I needed to get better and that this was not something I wanted to live with for the rest of my life.

At first, I was nervous about telling my parents. I was afraid they would get angry with me. However, my best friend eventually convinced me to tell them. I wrote my mom an e-mail, telling her what I had been doing.

After she read the e-mail, she approached me and we talked about what I was feeling and how she could help me. My dad also approached me and gave me the same type of support. My parents have been incredibly supportive and loving. They have been willing to do anything to help me get better. 

Because I don�t want to end up in the hospital, or worse, I have started seeing a therapist, and she is helping me figure out what causes my insecurities and behaviors. I've discovered that my behavior is mainly my way of dealing with internal stresses and emotions, and I need to find other ways to channel and deal with them.

Just talking to my friends or parents helps, too. When I say my feelings out loud, I understand exactly what I need to change or work on.

With the help of my friends, family, and therapist, I have begun to get better. Although I am still very conscious of what I eat, and I often have the desire to throw up, I've gone for long stretches of time without throwing up, and, as a result, I feel a lot better.

Help for All

According to the NEDA, 80 percent of American women are dissatisfied with their appearance.  You may know someone, like me, whose dissatisfaction could lead her down the wrong path. If you notice a friend or family member who is exhibiting warning signs of bulimia�such as excessive eating accompanied by frequent trips to the bathrooms, the constant need to burn calories, or any evidence of body dissatisfaction�it is important to get help.

There are a number of ways to get help for a friend. The simplest way is to just talk to her or him. The support and love of my friends was so important. I hope that with all the help and support available, I and other girls suffering from eating disorders will get better.

Editors' Note: Not every teen who suffers from an eating disorder can afford private therapy. If you need a referral to a low-cost counseling center, or need more info on eating disorders, go to the Harvard Eating Disorders Center site and click on "Resource Room" for the "Finding Help" section.

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April 2003