On the outside, I might seem like an average 17-year-old. I live on a quiet street with my parents, go to public high school, and enjoy hanging out with my friends. I have my own room, drive the family car, and get good grades.  

On the inside, though, I�m different. For the past two years, I�ve struggled with mental illnesses. I suffer through eating disorders, depression, and self-mutilation. I feel fear, anger, sadness, and shame. It�s a difficult struggle. Many days I want to give up, but one word keeps me from doing that: Hope.

Though it can be difficult to diagnose a mental illness, especially in teenagers - where changing hormones can cause a variety of issues � there�s a name for what I�m dealing with: borderline personality disorder (BPD). People with BPD suffer from intense instability in their mood, behavior, self-image, and interpersonal relationships. It�s difficult living day-to-day while handling BPD. I feel different from other teens. My experiences may make me more grown-up, but they also make me lonely.

My Sister, My Self

When I was 13, I began having issues with food. My family life was stressful because both of my parents were injured, and we had recently moved. Then there was my older sister, who became obsessed with her weight. I saw her eat so little that she stopped getting her period. I cringed when she broke into hysterics because she wasn�t able to exercise for a day.

�One day you�ll be as fat as me,� she told me.

The worst part was that I believed her, and I was scared.  

By the time I was 15, my issues with food had become full-blown problems. I developed eating disorders. It all started as a sense of rebellion from my family, and the fate my sister doomed me to.

Unfortunately, more than 90 percent of the millions affected with eating disorders are girls and young women. About one percent of adolescent girls suffers from anorexia nervosa (self-starvation), and two to five percent from bulimia (eating followed by vomiting, taking laxatives, or over-exercising). 

I first heard of these eating disorders in seventh grade, when a friend of mine did a report for science class. We also discussed them during health class in ninth grade. One of the videos we watched introduced me to the idea of binging.

The first eating disorder I developed was binge-eating. I secretly consumed excessive amounts of food that I perceived as �unhealthy� or �forbidden.� Even though I gained little weight, I was ashamed of my changing body, and soon began to experiment with vomiting.  

I vomited after eating because I couldn�t deal with the consequences of binging (weight gain). I felt guilty about lying to my parents to cover up my problem, but the fact that I believed my fear of becoming fat was coming true made matters worse. My bulimia was sporadic at first, but as time went on it became more of a habit, something to rid me of food and guilt. The hardest part, though, was that no one knew, and I faced my uncontrollable urges alone.

I chose dangerous ways to feel better. Eating disorders have severe medical consequences. With binge eating, you can develop high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart disease. With bulimia, you can erode tooth enamel, and damage the esophagus, stomach, and colon. One in ten cases of anorexia nervosa leads to death from starvation, cardiac arrest, and other conditions.

Cutting Away the Pain

At 15, I also began to self-injure (or self-mutilate). Self-injury is a term used to describe a variety of self-inflicting behaviors, ranging from cutting and scratching to burning and breaking bones. To take away feelings of anger and sadness, I would punish myself by cutting my arms and legs with a safety razor. My anger and sadness were caused by depression. I despised everything about myself: who I was, how I lived, my family, and more.  

Most of the time when I self-injured, I was toying with the idea of death. (But most people who self-injure don�t want to kill themselves.) Afterwards, when I felt the pain and saw the blood, I somehow felt better and relieved. I was afraid to tell my family because I thought it would only upset them. I really should have told someone, though, because then I would�ve received the help I needed sooner, and there might not be so many scars on my body.

For me, cutting is a form of self-hatred and a way of releasing negative emotions. It can become addictive, and is harmful to my body and mind. Even though I don�t cut myself as much as before, I still hurt myself when I feel stressed. I find that talking to a therapist, or anyone I trust, helps release that stress and stops me from cutting.

Hospital Stays and Care

One time when I was 16, I couldn't stop cutting myself. I felt an extreme need to see more and more blood. This feeling scared me so much that I broke down and asked my mom for help. My parents took me to the emergency room, where I stayed for the night. The next morning, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for treatment. That was the first of four times that I've been a patient in one. 

I was there for four long days - eating, sleeping, and breathing in a locked ward with other adolescent boys and girls. Every day was a routine: wake up, eat, go to various therapy groups, and then go to bed. I just wanted to go home, and so I did exactly what was expected. My stay there didn�t help me at all, partly because I didn�t want any help.  

My other hospital stays were more effective because I had an open mind. I was receptive to letting others help me feel better. Although the hospitals were not unpleasant, they weren�t fun either. I wouldn�t recommend going to one. It feels better trying to lead as normal a life as possible.

Over the past few years, I've also visited numerous therapists and psychiatrists. For a long time, none of the medical attention seemed to help. It was always the same: doctors asked me questions about my past, my family, myself. I talked and talked, but didn�t seem to get any answers or solutions to how I could fix my life.  

Finally, a few months ago, I was introduced to dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Originally developed for patients with borderline personality disorder, the goals of DBT are to weaken harmful behaviors that cause self-injuring, interference with therapy, and a negative lifestyle. The therapy benefits me. I learned skills that help me deal with sudden and intense emotions. Even though feeling better is a hard and painful process, I�m fighting my illnesses and making progress. I have found some hope.  

Learning and Living

Many teens face rough times in their lives, and one of my times is now. Though every day is a challenge, I believe it will get better. Currently life is hard - especially when I wake up every morning afraid of the day and what might happen. I need to face my life, though, so I can get through school and move on.  

It�s also important for me not to face my problems alone. I now talk to my family a lot more about what�s troubling me. I try to reach out to my therapist and work through my issues with him. I�ve found that my friends can be supportive just by listening to what I have to say without reacting. I�ve also found that if you tell someone you�re in pain, be aware that if they truly care about you, they might (and should) do something about it. Another way I get troubles off my chest is by keeping a journal. I write down anything and everything.

Overall, one of the most significant lessons I�ve learned is that I need help in order to get better. I can't do it alone, and I don�t want to. My friends, family, and therapy help me. The more people that are there to hope for me, the better.

To me, �hope� means that I�ll find happiness and face the ghosts of my past and present. I�ll learn to love - not hurt - myself, and live my life to the fullest. When I look hard enough, I can find the hope that I need inside myself.

*Amanda Lee is a pseudonym for a 17 year old from Phoenix, Arizona.

Editors' Note:

If you suffer from any of the disorders described by Amanda, it�s important to talk with a trusted adult and get help.

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON:

MENTAL ILLNESSES:

National Mental Health Association. 1021 Prince Street, Alexandria, VA 22314-2971.
1-800-969-NMHA (6642). www.nmha.org or www.depression-screening.org.

If you are suicidal, call 911 immediately. Or call 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433), sponsored by the National Hopeline Network.

EATING DISORDERS:

Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention, Inc. 603 Stewart Street, Suite 803, Seattle, WA 98101. 1-206-382-3587. Information and Referral Line: 1-800-931-2237. E-mail: [email protected]. www.edap.org.

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders.
ANAD, P.O. Box 7, Highland Park IL 60035. Hotline: 847-831-3438. E-mail: [email protected]. www.anad.org.

SELF-INJURY:

S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives. 7115 W. North Avenue PMB 319, Oak Park, IL 60302. 1-800-DONTCUT (366-8288). www.selfinjury.com.

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