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Ask the Experts Frequently Asked Questions
Abuse and Violence
How can you tell if someone might become abusive in a relationship?
It�s really hard to tell up front whether someone might become abusive. Abusers can often be very charming in the beginning. That�s why many people get trapped in abusive relationships. They don�t see it coming. By the time they recognize the abuse, they often feel like they�ve caused it. Abusers usually blame their victims for the abuse. They might say things like, �I can�t believe you made me hit you.� That�s how abusers keep their partners afraid and dependent.
There�s a danger in this question. It implies that the person being abused should have known better. That�s just not true. Abuse is always the abuser�s fault.
But, here are some possible red flags. Does the person:
� constantly criticize you, your intelligence, and/or your self-worth? � act really jealous of you, especially when other people try to talk to you? � make threats against you or someone you care about? � try to keep you from having any friends, especially friends they might see as potential romantic competition? � have problems controlling their temper � even if it�s not directed at you? � insist that you do something sexual that you don�t want to do, even when you have told them, �No.�
These seem like pretty clear signs, right? Well, now always. Often, abusive people disguise their abuse in flattery and love, at least in the beginning.
Think about it. Your honey gets a little jealous when someone else flirts with you. That�s kinda flattering. But, how do you know when that jealousy becomes a symptom of an abusive relationship? It might start out feeling harmless, but then escalates to the point where it�s unhealthy.
Abusive people can also be very subtle when they isolate you from friends and family. You might not even notice it�s happening. They just say things like, �Let�s go do something, just the two of us.� Or, �I just want to spend time with you.� You may not even realize that your friends have slipped out of the picture. And then, when the trouble begins, there�s no one there to turn to for help or support. The abusive person has isolated you and made you more dependent on him. That�s the whole idea.
